Grumkin

At nine months old, Darwin’s pointer fingers are doing a lot of work. They touch, they scratch, they manipulate. She’s not so much on the pincer grip, but tell you what, those pointers can grab stuff. 

She has started scooting backwards on her tummy. 

She won’t roll over deliberately, but she’ll roll when she sees something to one side that she wants. 

Darwin is a talker! She loves blowing through her lips, saying Buu buu buu, and basically just making noise. She often exhales loudly, especially if she’s just accomplished something. 

She nurses 4-5 times a day, once when she wakes up and her dad brings her into bed with us, once before she goes down for her morning nap, and then in the evening when I put her down for the night, and then the dream feed. Sometimes in the afternoon if we’ve been away from each other all day, she wants to nurse when she sees me. But it’s mostly bottles and solids. I don’t pump at all any more, so we give her formula during the day. And I’m fine with that. I really like having my boobs back (mostly), and not worrying when they’re too full or not full enough. 

I make most of her solid food, having fun following baby food cookbook recipes. A recent hit was white fish with broccoli, peas, and zucchini. She liked the mango soup we made, and enjoys apple sauce, sweet potatoes, and hummus. Plus Mom feeds her bites of dip, whipped cream, cupcake icing, and sips of juice, all the bad stuff, when I’m not looking. Darwin pretty much eats everything. 

She hasn’t cut any teeth yet, but I think the bottom ones are about to pop through.

She weighs 20 lbs! Our 9 month appointment is next week and I’m looking forward to seeing her new measurements. Someone at work commented, “That kid isn’t missing any meals,” which is true…But to me, she’s still so little! 

She sleeps all night. I love it. 

Love you Littles. 

Tom took D to Boston to visit his parents on Thursday night. They won’t be back til Tuesday night. That’s six whole days apart! I am simultaneously stoked and depressed. 

Stoked:

Staying up late. 

Sleeping in.

Drinking like a fish. 

Maybe I’ll even smoke a little pot!

Going to a party on a boat tomorrow evening. 

Had a long hike with my sister, her bf, and our dad today, then had a beer at Alice’s restaurant, and didn’t worry what time we got home or how late it was. 

Alone time! What???

Sad:

I skyped with Tom and Darwin today. Darwin kept lunging for the screen and looking behind it, as if the Real Mommy was behind there. I couldn’t handle it, had to hang up right away. I was okay til I saw her big eyes and that expression of excitement at my voice. Tom said she cries for a long time in the morning when she remembers I’m not there. Also that her diaper rash is bad and that she’s been sleeping for many hours a day. It’s very sad for me, makes me feel guilty that I’m not there to take care of her and make sure she’s getting boobie and enough Nudie Bootie time. And snugs. And cuddles. And someone needs to nuzzle her neck, and smell her, and kiss her feet, and give her raspberries, and play peek-a-boo. Okay, so I know her Daddy can do these things. But does he? Isn’t there something about a mom that you just can’t get anywhere else?

I just miss her little smushie face.  

Only three more days til she comes home. 

Working On:  nothin. I did my time today. I made whole wheat pizza and a big salad for my family, did yoga and walked for an hour and a half, answered emails and worked on a board meeting agenda, changed a poopy diaper and a lot of peepee diapers, and nursed nine times. Now I’m eating chocolate and considering watching some TV. 

Thinking About:  My childhood. I went to such a great grade school which nonetheless managed to suck deeply for me. How to avoid such fuck-ups when running my own school?

Anticipating: The Ostara ritual on March 21st. Spring equinox! What will I do to welcome spring? Besides look at pictures of baby bunnies and and chicks on Pinterest. And possibly buy some wheatgrass-filled easter baskets that the cats can eat.   

Wishing: for nothing. I am happy and rested and loved. 

Listening to: my parents discuss where to keep the new, very sharp, cheese grater. 

Is it possible that sleep training is really this easy? Here is our transition from co-sleeping, waking up 6-8 times a night to nurse, zombified existence, to 12 hours straight without waking, in 4 days. 

Day 1: Move to California, where Darwin has a crib and her own room. 

Day 2: Decide to stop night nursing. Agree that if D wakes up after 4, I will nurse her.

Day 3: Begin Ferberizing. We put D down at 7, dreamfeed at 10:30. D cries at 12:30, hubby waits 3 minutes, then goes in and soothes her to seep. D cries at 3:15, hubby waits 4:56 minutes before going in, D stops crying on her own. D wakes up at 6:50 for the day. 

Day 4: We put D down at 7, dreamfeed at 10:30. D sleeps all night, til 7:02 am. 

I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY. Who knew? I thought this was going to be so much more painful! Maybe becoming a mother was the right decision after all. Just kidding, of course it was. I think. 

8 hours of sleep last night! I feel amazing. 

I knew that we weren’t going to be able to resolve Darwin’s sleep issues until we got to California, where she has her own room. With her sleeping next to us in our apartment in Brooklyn, I woke up every time she made a noise or moved around, and she woke up every time I did the same, which then woke me up, which woke her up, which woke me up….ad infinitum. Even though I’ve enjoyed co-sleeping for six months, I knew it was time to move her to her own room. But in Brooklyn, we didn’t have one for her. 

Here we are in my parents’ house in the Bay Area, which is large enough to accomodate Tom and me in our own room and Darwin in hers. Plus my brother Dillon, in his own room. Right off the bat, even with several wake-ups a night to go feed or soothe her, I’m sleeping a million times better. The little ambient noises and movements are gone. Our room is down the hall from hers, and we don’t have a baby monitor (yet), so we only wake up when she’s really serious about waking us. Unfortunately, Dillon’s bedroom is right next to hers, so he’s getting a lot of the crying. 

But! Now that Tom isn’t working, he’s able to help me with sleep training. He started reading Ferber, and we decided last night that I would only go into Darwin’s room after 4 am to feed her. That would mean one dream feed at 10:30 or 11 pm, and one feed at 4 am, and then when she wakes up for the day around 7. Tom would do all the other wake-ups, and soothe her back to sleep. But he would only go in after 3 minutes of cry the first wake-up, 5 the second, 7 the third, 10 the 4th. Darwin woke up at 12:30 am and cried for 3 minutes, and he went in and soothed her. Then she woke up at 3:15 and he waited for 4:56 mins and she stopped crying on her own and went back to sleep. He didn’t have to go in her room. Then she slept on through til 6:50! I didn’t feed her at all between 10:30 pm and 6:50 am! I was so engorged I was having dreams about it. But dreams! I was dreaming! I was asleep deeply enough to dream! 

And Dillon will just have to live with 8 minutes of night-time crying until she gets the idea and sleeps through the night. They’re called earplugs, buddy.

I’m feeling more hopeful about everything right now. 

So, I know it’s totally typical to-be-expected first-time mommy experience, but I am so tired. So soso so tired. On her bad nights, Darwin wakes up 8+ times between midnight and 7 am. On her good nights, she wakes up 5 times. On her really good nights, thrice (unrelatedly, I love that word and try to work it in whenever I can). Last night was a good night. But still, after the 5th go-round, of waiting til I’m sure she really means it (ie she’s actually crying, not just whimpering or whining), then pulling her over and onto my breast, and having her suck twice or thrice and then fall back asleep once she’s nestled against me, then putting her back into the co-sleeper, I was feeling pretty down. 

Tom is working today, so he didn’t have to do any night parenting, but even when he’s not working, he doesn’t help. He does get up early with her and take her away so I can sleep undisturbed for an hour, which is the sweetest sleep of all time. But I’m pretty much the only one on duty before 7 am. 

It used to be that Darwin would only wake up once or twice, pretty consistently. That lasted for a few months. I’m not sure why it’s so bad now. She’s teething, so maybe that’s waking her up. I don’t know. All I know is that how it is now,  is not sustainable for me. It makes me resent her, and Tom. She’s all smiles for me, and I can’t even play with her, I’m too exhausted. 

She’s a champion napper, so there’s that. But that old saw about sleeping when the baby sleeps? Yeah right, if I’m in the same room as she, nobody’s sleeping, naptime or no. 

I can’t wait to get to California just so she can have her own room and Tom will finally get to be on night parenting. Part of me thinks I’ll miss the middle-of-the-fucking-night nursing sessions. But most of me is too tired to care. 

Working On:  Creating a proposal for therapy for the literacy program. Also a million emails.

Thinking About: Health-care coverage. We just got our COBRA bill for the last 4 months. Ouch. Thank goodness we get covered again by my job starting March 1st. THIS SYSTEM SUCKS BIG TIME. It also plays nicely (not) into my current obsession with our family budget which is about to shrink to 75% of its current size after our move, because Tom won’t be working for a while. How do you fit 10 lbs of shit into a 7 lb bag?

Watching: what I eat.

Anticipating: The packing session we’re about to embark on. Monica is coming over to help/watch the baby while we clean off the shelves in the kitchen. Good times.  

Wishing: there were more hours in the day. Or else, that I could get more sleep at night.

Listening to: Tom opening and closing his filing cabinet. He’s tackling the giganto pile of mail from the past month.